How to Pass as a High-Schooler

It takes guts. It takes skill. It takes skinny jeans, a cell phone, and a permanently bored expression. Bethany, the main character from Alexandra Adornetto’s Halo, needs all this and more when she leaves heaven and tries to blend in with the human teenagers of small-town Venus Cove. Bethany has two angels backing her up on her first trip to Earth, but if you aren’t being aided by Gabriel (THAT Gabriel), there are things you’ll need to know to pass as a high school student.

Music. Listen to artists whose most recent album predates your existence. The more off-kilter your musical tastes, the more you can use them as a cornerstone for your entire identity. Liking Taylor Swift is a choice. Liking a band from Portland with an unpronounceable name that only held one concert, which was hosted in someone’s basement and had seven attendees, is a way of life.

Homework. Neglect it. If you are trying to pass as a high school student, grades are secondary. You have to navigate such social minefields as prom, the cafeteria, and boy/girl parties. No one expects you to STUDY as well.

Bored Teenager by Incase

Crushes. Have one. As Bethany would attest, the best part about going to high school is the prolonged sexual tension that comes from pining away for the boy or girl across the classroom. Or, if you’re rocking the return to high school Never Been Kissed-style, the teacher at the front of the classroom (who, while adorable, is also completely creepy for falling for someone he thought was his student).

Justin Bieber. Take a side. Your decision will define you. You’re either an obnoxious Justin Bieber freak or an obnoxious Justin Bieber hater. You’re either hopelessly lowbrow or unbearably snooty. If you try to abstain from choosing, you’ll wind up like a ghost, walking aimlessly and identity-free. A social non-entity.

2 thoughts on “How to Pass as a High-Schooler

  1. Right on for the most part. Amusing to see it all written out.

    But I’m not sure about the music part. I know some people have a serious thing for the Beatles, but I thought most teens liked stuff on the radio and angsty underground bands.

    Then again, I hate stuff on the radio…

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