1. The commercial’s blatant ignorance of the American legal system offends me.
At one point, the new kid who doesn’t know the rules says, “Dancing is against the law?” And the preacher’s daughter says, “Only if we get caught.”
That’s not how laws work.
Also, I think I saw them drag racing school buses?
Yup. There they are. I’m not sure I can stand behind that.
2. Zac Efron was supposed to be in the movie.
When Zac Efron looks at a project and decides it’s beneath him, you do not want to know the kind of new lows that are about to be breached. It’s found-a-grilled-cheese-under-your-bed-and-you-haven’t-had-grilled-cheese-for-two-months low. It’s new-species-of-fish-that-reproduces-by-ripping-out-its-own-spine low.
3. Julianne Hough is in the movie
Julianne Hough was all, “I’m a dancer!” on Dancing With the Stars and I was in. I dug it.
Then Julianne Hough was all, “I’m a country singer!” and I was all right. Okay, I thought. Leveraging your quasi-fame to follow your real passion. Fine.
Then Julianne Hough was all, “I’m shilling Proactiv!” and I was displeased. Proactiv is well and good, but I’m trying to watch Toddlers and Tiaras right now, Julianne Hough. Come back later?
Then Julianne Hough was all, “I’m an ACTRESS!” and all I can think is, “If you were actually a good actress, you would be famous for acting and not for dancing/singing/shilling Proactiv/being Ryan Seacrest’s ‘girlfriend.’ ”
4. My own mother once cut me from a local production of the musical version of Footloose that she directed.
Not that I’m bitter or anything, but she didn’t cast me (her own DAUGHTER!) in a production where about 90 percent of people who auditioned got in. And then she made me run spotlight, which was essentially rubbing my failure in my face, four nights a week, all summer.
Not that this means YOU shouldn’t see Footloose. Unless, you . . . I don’t know . . . wanted to stand in solidarity with me? We could cry as we listen to “Let’s Hear it for the Boy”? Or just me . . .
5. They kept the warehouse scene.
The most mockable part of the original Footloose is the angsty dance-it-out moment where Kevin Bacon(‘s dance double) goes crazy in an abandoned warehouse, releasing his anger through the creative medium of movement. But, to be fair, angry dancing was in vogue at the time (see: Flashdance).
What’s the remake’s excuse?