Dear Miss Maude

Dear Miss Maude is back! Today our fabulous agony aunt–and author of the hilarious, fashion-centric YA series Poseur–answers a question for the never-been-kissed. Have a question for Miss Maude? Email her at dearmissmaude@figment.com. Keep questions to a 10-sentence max, please!

 

 

Dear Miss Maude —

I am the ripe old age of 18 and I have never, ever been on a date–or been kissed for that matter. I’m ready to try my hand at the dating scene, but I don’t know where, or how, to begin. I’m just no good at initiating conversations with cute strangers, and they definitely don’t come up to me. How can I be casual about approaching guys and not feel like a fool for thinking that I actually can approach them? 

Sincerely,

Love Lost

 

Dear Love Lost, OMG:

I can’t imagine being 18 and fancying myself “ripe and old.” As a withered 32-year-old who shambles around her apartment, throws complimentary restaurant mints at pigeons to amuse herself, and fills in her bald patch with a laundry marker, I have the WISDOM and PERSPECTIVE to see how totally ridiculous you’re being. Hahaha. I wasn’t a “ripe, old” ANYTHING in high school. Just check out my yearbook photo.

Okay, okay. MAYBE I felt exactly the same way in high school as you do now. And you want to know why?

When I was 18 I hadn’t kissed anyone either.

I KNOW!!!

To this day I’m not sure how the hell I let this happen. Now, if you’re anything like me (AND EVERYONE IS EXACTLY LIKE ME) then you’ve probably drummed up a few theories.

Here we have some of the CLASSICS:

1) The I’M A LATE BLOOMER.

Sample thought: “Seriously, what kind of 17-year-old has only TWO hairs in her armpit? Not even both armpits! JUST ONE. I could seriously wax my whole body with a Band-aid.”

2) The I’M UGLY.

Sample thought: “Just admit it! There’s a reason your grandparents are the only people who say you’re pretty. Seriously! And they’re half-blind and on dialysis.”

3) The I’M TOO PICKY.

Sample thought: “Look, Jeff Larson is NEVER, EVER going to like you, okay??! So can you at least try liking someone in your league? Like Arthur Blechmann? Grandma’s half-blind-and-on-dialysis bridge partner?”

4) The MY DICKHEAD PARENTS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY MOCKED MY FLEDGLING SEXUALITY INTO SUBMISSION.

Sample thought: “Exactly WHAT is SO FREAKING FUNNY about my poster of Justin Bieber in a bamboo grove?!?!”

5) The MAYBE I’M A LESBIAN?

Sample thought: “Okay, but if I’m a lesbian, shouldn’t I have kissed a girl by now? And if I’m attracted to girls, then why am I so obessed with Justin Bieber? Wait. Is it ’cause he kind of looks like a girl?”

6) The BOYS ARE JUST INTIMIDATED BY MY SURPASSING BEAUTY, INTELLIGENCE, AND WIT.

Sample thought: “Wow. Mom is totally deluded.”

Anyway. Whatever the reason, I know how you feel. While my friends agonized over what to wear to the awesome slut-party they called life, I just stood there, unkissed, uninvited, and most likely wearing stretch pants covered in cat hair.

So, why am I telling you this?

(Wait. Lemme put on my Super Sincere Advice-Giving Cap).

 

P.S. My grandmother insists I look “very chic” in this hat. P.P.S. This is her hat.

 

Okay! So, if I made it to 18 without kissing anyone, and you made it to 18 without kissing anyone, chances are a lot of people make it to 18 without kissing anyone. Okay, maybe not A LOT a lot, but still! No need to panic and hurl yourself into some “dating scene” you’re not ready for. And besides, you can’t kiss a “dating scene.” Just relax, and trust me: someday it’ll happen. And when it does, it will either be totally fantastic . . .

Or a little bit gross.

Tellin it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time . . .

xo

Miss Maude

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