The Figment office took a field trip last night to a midnight showing of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 completely for work’s sake and not for any kind of personal enjoyment or overwhelming need to get our fix of Taylor Lautner’s abs. Read our thoughts.
“Last night . . . last night was the best night of my existence.”–Edward Cullen
Not really. That would just be sad.
My experience with the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 was similar to Bella and Edward’s wedding night. I felt like I’d been waiting forever for this to happen, and I was pretty into it while it was going on. But I woke up the next morning with bruises, and my bed was ruined and, inexplicably, covered in feathers. Also, I think I might be pregnant with a demon baby, but I need a couple of weeks to make sure.
“You’re never going to touch me again, are you?”–Bella Swan
Probably not, no. I’m definitely not going to pick up the book Breaking Dawn in order to relive the absurdity that is this plot line before Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is released. But am I going to be there at midnight to see the second movie? Let’s be real: yes. It will parade around in skimpy lingerie, and then it will emotionally manipulate me with nightmares and tears, and I will give in. And what will I name the product of this union?
Bellen Culsons, obviously.
Everyone knew this movie was going to be ridiculous. The book is ridiculous. But I doubt anyone would have guessed that Breaking Dawn: Part 1 would make Sharktopus look like a tame, well-conceived film. The blood was profuse. The glances were loaded. The CGI wolves were TALKING, guys, they were TALKING and it was like a terrible sequel to Brother Bear and I couldn’t believe it and it hurt my eyes a little but I couldn’t look away because it was SO BIZARRE, guys, SO BIZARRE.
High point: A woman got killed for her terrible spelling. Oh! And the majorly awkward Stephenie Meyer cameo at the wedding. Oh! And Jacob’s try-to-contain-the-eyeroll reaction to hearing Bella’s name choice for the baby. (But, seriously, guys. Renesmee is INFINITELY better than would-have-been boy’s name Edward Jacob a.k.a. EJ. “Oh, son! I named you after your father and the guy who wanted to break up your father and me so badly he threatened to kill himself.”)
Bright side? This movie will have a long life in abstinence-only sex education classrooms.
But seriously. I will never be having children. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer.
Have you ever gone to the movie theater expecting to see a film and getting a feature-length montage instead? That’s kind of like what seeing Breaking Dawn was like. Bella walking down the aisle to slow, heart-wrenching music by emo band Sleeping at Last: four whole minutes. Bella and Edward making out at the altar to more emo music: another four minutes. And, of course, the honeymoon in Brazil, with more shots of Rio, white-sand beaches, and dancing locals than a travel agency advertisement: 10 whole minutes. I think Bella and Edward also played chess about a dozen times. And here I thought the craziest part of the movie would be Bella giving birth to a hybrid vampire baby.
Having said that. Having said that. There was one thing that I thought the movie did really well, and I’m ready to go ahead and give Breaking Dawn a pat on the back for this one. While Bella is being preyed upon from the inside by her own child, she obviously looks like hell (and yes, there are enough shots of Bella with a sweat-streaked brow and purple-rimmed eyes to fill yet another montage). But more than that, she looks so decrepit and wasted away that the movie becomes a little hard to watch; I found myself muttering and putting my hands over my eyes more than once, because watching her practically embrace her death sentence was gut-wrenching. And you know what? I genuinely felt for Bella in a way that I never did when I read the books.
So if you ever wanted to feel something for Bella besides overwhelming frustration or apathy, Breaking Dawn might actually be worth a watch.