I’m freaking out here, guys. For all my talk about beard strategy, I’ve fallen really far behind. I don’t know if I can do this, guys.
I can’t let Adam win. You don’t understand the kind of smug that will be choking Figment HQ if he wins. He’ll be impossible to work with. It’ll be all, “Oh! I’m having a great day, what with being beard champion of Figment!” “Nah, I don’t feel like ordering food. I’m full of my own self-importance.” “I’m sorry, this chair is really sensitive. It doesn’t like being used by LOSERS.”
I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried weird smelling creams and electro-shock follicle stimulation. I even had a sooth-sayer bless my beard. Nothing, you guys.
You know what?
I’m done whining. I’m not going to eat. I’m not going to sleep. I am going to grow the HECK out of this beard. I run this.