Things That Would Sound Better if Alan Rickman Said Them

Alan Rickman in a scene from "Seminar" on Broadway at the Golden Theatre. Photo: Jeremy Daniel

One of the greatest things about our contest to win tickets to the Broadway play Seminar (other than the fact that there are TEN chances to win) is the opportunity to see Alan Rickman in person.

Alan plays Leonard, a condescending (if famous) and sarcastic (if handsome) author, who is paid by four young aspiring writers to mentor them and improve their work. Leonard’s caustic and cutting responses would be downright cruel, but c’mon! It’s Alan Rickman. Anything the man says sounds like chocolate sliding down an ice cream cone.

What else would sound acceptable if spoken by Alan Rickman? A sampling:

“I hate to say this, but your wisdom tooth is completely impacted and we’re going to have to yank it out.”

“I’ve been collecting little strands of your hair all year, and I finally managed to get enough to weave a blanket.”

“I wouldn’t call your car completely destroyed. I mean, it is, but I wouldn’t call it that.”

Cannibal is such a judgmental word.”

“It’s not that I never shower. I just don’t believe in soap.”

“You don’t need to visit your mother. I need  to get in line for this new iPhone.”

8 thoughts on “Things That Would Sound Better if Alan Rickman Said Them

  1. How about these:
    “You have less than a month to live.”
    “Your significant other/parent/best friend died.”
    “Today we will be learning about birth control and why you should use it.” (sex-ed classes are TERRIBLE).
    Or he could just read the telephone book/dictionary, and I’d be quite content.

  2. “This spaghetti tastes of mustard and grass.”

    “Only antelopes eat their offspring.”

    “Why don’t we go for a walk to clear our minds of this nonsense?”

    “Where is the pumpernickel?”

    “I need some bacon.”

    “Gracious me.”

    “Where is that sound coming from, Wilhelm?”

    “I know you like to take naps, but really, who needs to sleep?”

    “Give me all your money.”

    “I would like a lollipop.”

    “There is glass in my cake.”

    “Don’t lie to me.”

    “I can’t wait until my dearest friend, R.Soland, comes to see my new show, “Seminar.” It will be fantastic to see her, as I’m sure she’ll love seeing me, too.”

    “This potato should NOT be purple.”

  3. I still think it’s quite excellent when he said “What are you going to do? Dip it in yogurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons?” in Love, Actually. Ha!

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