We were all, “Happy 200th Birthday, Dickens!” and then Ashton Kutcher was all, “Um, hello? What am I, dead tweet?” (Social media joke.) And we realized that today is ALSO Ashton Kutcher’s birthday, and he was like this awkward party crasher and we didn’t know what to do and we already had this nice homage to Dickens planned and, well…
Presenting Ashton Kutcher’s movies, if they were written by Charles Dickens. (Happy, Ashton? Sheesh…)
No Strings Attached becomes No Strings Attached: An Orphan’s Tale—
Picture it now: An ash-covered Ashton is free from all attachment, including cumbersome parents. Natalie Portman, revisiting her manicpixiedreamgirl Garden State role, rocks a terrible Cockney accent, a top hat, and sporadic musical numbers.
A Lot Like Love becomes A Lot Like Factory Work— Ashton’s one half of the will-they-won’t-they couple of the century–the 19th century, that is. Although he plays coy, his boss knows that Ashton’s heart (and all of his weekdays from 5 a.m. to 9 p.m.) belongs to the factory (for a laughably small amount of money).
Two and a Half Men becomes A Tale of Two and a Half Men–Ashton plays Sidney Carton, Jr. The show was nearing cancellation, when a massive scandal caused by the original Sidney Carton (played by Charlie Sheen) gave new vigor to the show. Ashton steps in to replace Sheen, whose character was written off the show through an off-camera guillotining.
That 70s Show becomes That 1870s Show—
Oh, that Kelso! Always doing silly things like drinking out of the finger bowl, talking to the serving class, and declining to receive the duke’s son for tea. Silly, silly Kelso.
Dude, Where’s My Car? becomes The Mystery of Edwin Dude (Where’s my Car?)
“Wait, what’s my embossed letterhead say?”
“Drood! What’s mine say?”
“Bud; what’s mine say?”
“DROOD. What’s mine say?”
“BUD. What’s mine say?”