Some authors have a million ideas running through their heads all day, every day. Only one of those ideas has to be good. Which means 999,999 can be terrible.
Jay Clark’s hilarious new novel The Edumacation of Jay Baker (which you can begin reading on Figment for a limited time here) is based on a great idea: teenager Jay Baker is navigating the painful world of high school–he’s running for class president against his mortal enemy, caught between two gorgeous girls, and watching his parents’ marriage disintegrate. But how many ideas did Jay cycle through before landing on that one? Here are five of Jay’s most terrifically awful ideas that we’re glad never saw the light of day.
Have a horrendously punny bad book idea of your own? Write it as a Figment book and tag it JayClarkBookIdea. If you’re lucky, Jay might just swing by your page and leave a comment on your book idea.
The Chalk Eater
Synopsis: Carrie Von Santiago (CVS, for short) loves her some chalk-eating. Ever since she was a little girl, absolutely nothing has tasted better on her tongue than a thick Crayola. But when her health-conscious high school principal threatens to replace each classroom’s chalkboard with a dry-erase substitute, will Carrie be left in the dust?
Tagline: Break another little piece of that—gulp—chalk now, baby.
Donathan Spencer has noticed a major difference in his friends’ Facebook activity lately. No one is “liking” his posts! Maybe he should try changing his profile pic again?! Good thing the quirky new-girl-with-a-bad-haircut, Topanga, is around to distract him with her oh-so-subtle nose ring and blasé outlook on life. But why, exactly, did she just tweet, “Donathon sucks.com. #operationbarfbag”
Tagline: Click “Like” if you’re a loser.
The Five-Hundred-Year-Old Virgin
Sebastian is a four-hundred-and-ninety-nine-year-old in a seventeen-year-old’s body, which is bloody awesome. The only problem? He’s about to celebrate his five-hundredth birthday batting zero-point-zero in the booty department. Will he snag his first piece of teenage action before midnight strikes and turns him into a virgin (again)?
Tagline: Blood is thicker than booty . . . but the booty is nice, too.
MILF in Manhattan
Ryan Templeton is a prep-school stud-muffin who could offer his poppyseed to any girl at NYC’s prestigious Teddy B. Pootyton Academy. So why does he only have inappropriate thoughts for his girlfriend’s middle-aged, muffin-toppin’ mom, Beatrice?
Tagline: When it comes to sex in the city, what’s a few extra decades (and a statutory charge)?
The One-Legged Cheerleader
Gabby St. Josephine is the one and only choice for the top of her squad’s pyramid. No offense, but all the other girls are oinkers. But Gabby has a fear of heights that’s causing her to think irrationally: “What if I lost my leg in a freak boating accident?” Will Gabby be dumb enough to throw herself in front of an oncoming jet ski? Team spirit has never been so dangerous.
Tagline: She’s just a hop, skip, and a jump away from losing more than just a leg.