If Snooki Were God . . .

In Meg Rosoff’s There is No Dog, which you can start reading on Figment, God is one of us. Specifically, God is a lazy, hormone-ridden teenager named Bob. He’s got a guardian to keep him in check and thank the Bob! Otherwise, the world would be in some srs trbl. Could it get any worse than having the planet be at the whim of a mercurial teenager? Yes. Yes it could. These folks would also make the #worstdeityever.



Can you imagine days of worship? They’d be spent GTL-ing by day, praying to a toilet by night. If the Mighty Pouf was pleased, pickles would rain from the skies. If the Mighty Pouf was displeased, her resounding “WAHHHH!” would echo across the lands until an appropriate sacrifice was found for her to “smush.”

Tim Burton
It would be a world of sunken eyes and sullen faces. Pink would be a capitol offense. Zombies, ghosts, and witches would walk amongst the living. Burton would rule from a throne of skulls in the sky, alongside the rest of the holy trinity: Burton, Bonham-Carter, and Depp.

Love Pixar. Love them. But every trip to the grocery store would result in an adventure with the bag boy, who is actually an alien from another planet. Every blown nose would turn into a magical allegory for the importance of family. Every time you made eye contact with a stranger, you would fall in love and find your soul mate. Which. Would. Be. EXHAUSTING.

It would always be miserable and overcast. The weather would reflect the state of Adele’s heart: perpetually broken. The world would be a dangerous and terrifying place with constantly drizzly weather. Why terrifying? Adele sets FIRE to the RAIN. That’s like perpetual apocalypse, guys.

Kim Kardashian
Expect a very laissez-faire government. Strike that. I don’t think KK would know what laissez-faire means. We’d probably end up with lacy-fairy government, and I can’t even handle that right now. Instead of spending six days creating the world, Kim would quit after 72 hours. Expect a lot of half-assed, pink fluffy things running around. And lots of really ugly girls. KK don’t like no competition.

Can’t get enough celebragodding (hot new trends always need a great mash-up name)? Enter the There is No Dog contest!

4 thoughts on “If Snooki Were God . . .

  1. If Nicki Minaj were god, every Friday people must wear pink to promote her album. Everyone would be Roman Catholic, and fluorescent colored wigs would be mandatory in all public places. Also, plastic surgery would be banned, because Nicki doesn’t want her butt to be smaller than anybody else. Lastly,motorcycles would be permanently made of ice, as in her Super Bass Video

  2. woooooow if any of those guys were gods I would scream and hide in a cave and never come out…though those pink kittens are reaaaaaaaaaly cute 😀

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