What Facebook Needs

John M. Cusick is the author of Girl Parts, set in a society where rampant overuse of technology and social media has rendered teenage David and his classmates “disassociated” from what really matters–human relations and interactions. So David is given a beautiful girl robot to teach him to love again–though, of course, this doesn’t go exactly as planned. In an effort to make our own social media more humanoid, John offers these buttons that Facebook totally needs to get our real feelings across.

Facebook Totally Needs a ____ Button

Facebook only has a Like button— and okay you can Unlike something you’ve already Liked, but that’s way too limiting. What about all those special circumstances when “like” is just too vague?

What Facebook really needs is a ____ button.

Pre-Like (for posts about your buddy’s awesome band playing next week, or the upcoming three-day weekend)

Re-Like (for that post you liked, then weren’t so sure you liked, but in the end, no, you definitely like it)

Me-Like (for pictures of yourself, or for really clever status updates)

She-Like (for posts by your crush)

Ironically-Like (for your friend’s comment about how The Notebook is the greatest movie ever)

Ironically-Ironically-Like (for your friend’s comment about how The Notebook is the greatest movie ever, and you don’t want anyone to know that you totally cried your eyes out at the end, and sometimes you watch it by yourself, just leaving it on in the background while you’re doing homework or whatever)

Super-Duper-Like (for posts you love but it would be weird to apply the L word to a pic of your sibling’s super cute significant other in his bathing suit)

Like My Own Comment Because I Like All My Own Comments Because I Don’t Really Understand How Facebook Works (for your Mom)

Like You, I Mean I Like You Like You And It Doesn’t Matter What You Post It Will Always Be Brilliant Because You Are Perfect and I Want to Keep a Lock of Your Hair in My Dream Journal (for posts by your crush)

Like This and I Have More to Say About It But The Comment Thread Is So Long It’s Covered Several Topics and It Would Be Weird to Comment On Your New Haircut Now That Everyone’s Talking About Bieber’s Latest SNL Appearance (self-explanatory)

6 thoughts on “What Facebook Needs

  1. This was hilarious. I laughed out loud. Of course if Facebook actually had those buttons, I’d feel like a creep 😛

  2. I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout to your weblog. Is that this a paid theme or did you customize it your self? Either way keep up the excellent high quality writing, it is uncommon to peer a nice weblog like this one nowadays..

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