The Worst Superpowers, Bar None

In Shatter Me, by Tahereh Mafi, Juliette’s touch can be deadly. She’s locked away from the world by a government that wants to use her fatal power as a weapon. Without human interaction, unable to touch anyone ever again, Juliette begins to slide into hysteria and insanity.

So, not an ideal ability. But when she’s forced to use her power for survival, Juliette slowly begins to see the power she wields as a strength and not a weakness. As she should! We’re not saying we’d be able to hack it if we were in Juliette’s shoes. But we can think of a few powers that would be worse than the one she’s blessed/saddled with.

Insta-That’s What She Said.
The ability to immediately and endlessly litter a conversation with “that’s what she said” would be useful if you were a 10-year-old boy or Michael Scott from The Office. Otherwise, this would be the most annoying power ever. You would have no friends. And if that’s what she said, she was not lying.


Hey! Hey, guys! I can remove all of my bones and turn into an immobile puddle of organs and skin. Cool, righ–wait! Wait! Are you throwing up? Wait! Where are you going?



Not that this power would be terrible, it would just be such a waste! Oh. You can bench-press 120 pounds. Oh. Cool? It took me five seconds to get a jar of pickles open, but it only took you three seconds. Again, cool?



Super Sweat
You could maybe use this ability to stop villains. Maybe you make them . . . slip up? Ew. Not a pretty mental picture. No matter how many criminals you catch–hundreds, THOUSANDS–never ask for a victory high-five. Everyone will see your shimmering palms, and it’ll become a chorus of, “Oh! My mom just called.” “I’m allergic to skin contact.” “I have a cat, so . . . ”


Your mumble is impenetrable! Absolutely no one can understand you! You’ve got an iron wall of defense around anything you say. Other superheroes have mottos like, “Truth for all!” and “Every man has his day.” Your motto is “The eggs on the squid for die.” At least, that’s what it sounded like? Hard to say.


Fantastic Flatulence
No explanation required.





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24 thoughts on “The Worst Superpowers, Bar None

  1. Actually, “Fantastic Flatulence” would be useful–in either a Saturday morning cartoon aimed to boys, or a Shonen manga.

    But I would rather have “Slightly-Above-Average-Strength” than no superpower.

  2. Suoper Sweat is like Moist in Dr. Horrible….
    but oh, what I would give to open that jar of pickles 2 seconds faster…

  3. How about Oblivious Girl? She could be gifted with completely failing to notice anything important. XD
    Actually, I think Gazzy from Maximum Ride HAS that last one. XD

  4. Gasman from Maximum Ride has Fantastic Flatuence! Lol. The deadly fart of doom. (But he can also fly and mimick)

  5. I know someone who just about has the Fantastic Flatulence superpower.

    Also, reverse mind reading would be the worst ever. Kudos to Blythe!

  6. oh! i’ve got one! The ability to think up the perfect comeback…five minutes later. I feel like i already have this one…

    • And after they are gone, and you are standing in the classroom and randomly say it and everyone looks at you like… ,'(

  7. How about Marvelous Magnetic powers? Imagine everything sticking to you weather you like it or not… even people stick to you! 😛

  8. OH GUYS GUYS “Reverse Mind Reading”…”Oblivious Girl”…hahaha there is a whole book in my head now about reject super heroes. *falls out of chair laughing* Please tell me this has never been done before…

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