You Haired it Here First

Whether or not you like Twilight, whether your heart beats hard for Edward’s brood or goes into spastic convulsions if someone even thinks about mentioning she-who-shall-not-be-named (hint: it rhymes with Smella Fwan), you have to hand it to them–

–the Twilight kids have great hair. Stef-Mey revels in it. Every character’s hair is detailed to perfection in her novels. You might not know much else about Bella, but you know that her hair has red highlights in the sun. If you don’t have a head for names, an eye for hair will definitely ensure you never mix up your Hales and your Cullens.

Whose hair is best, though? It’s a close call. Time for some scientific analysis of the just-released teaser trailer for Breaking Dawn: Part 2

She’s the token blond vampire (isn’t there always one?), referred to in the first book as “the perfect blond” and the “blond and breathtaking sister.”

Color: 7.5
The honey shade is lovely, but either the lighting or peer pressure from the matching His-&-Hers-brunette that Bella and Edward are rocking is making Rosalie’s blond seem a little dull.
Style: 5.0
This might have been just post-birth, in which case slack should be given, but Rosalie is looking a little bed-head-y. Gotta love the subtle wave, but there is one rogue curl that makes us either want to sproing it and watch it bounce or go at it with a flatiron. Sproing? You know, when you tug on a curl to watch it bounce back up? No. No, we don’t do that either . . . ever . . . today . . .

The “bronze-haired” boy has INFAMOUS hair. You could see a windswept, bouffant silhouette from a mile away and be like, “Why is Edward Cullen standing in the wind a mile away?”

Color: 8.0
The bronze is in full effect. Sunlit and shiny, this color just screams, “Because he’s worth it.”
Style: CannotgiveanumberbecauseWHAT?!
Did EC get a haircut? Where’s the windswept, bouffant silhouette? It’s been replaced with a ’90s flip-front hairstyle that makes us get all kind of N*Sync nostalgic. How could he get a haircut? The foundation of Bella and Edward’s marriage will crumble, snipped carelessly away!

Alice’s “deep black, cropped short” hair that is generally styled to point “in every direction” actually becomes a plot point in the novels, when Alice’s origins are revealed.

Color: 8.5
Yup. That’s deep black. And it looks great with her vamp-white skin.
Style: 6.0
We had to dock points. You can’t do Liza Minnelli better than Liza Minnelli. She will Sally Bowles all over you and tap dance on your lifeless remains. You’d be Caba-retching up shards of your own ribs.

From its very first role as a hair-curtain in biology class, Bella’s hair has always been front and center in Meyer’s series. Drumroll for the big post-vampirification reveal?

Color: 5.5
Is it just us, or is her hair kind of exactly the same color as Edward’s? Maybe it’s like that thing where dogs and their owners look alike . . .
Style: 7.5
For the love of center part! This Farrah-Fawcett throwback is definitely an attempt to amp up Bella’s glam-factor, understandable. But Color-Me-Indie Kristen Stewart must be dying slowly under that pageant-girl ‘do.

This baby’s got “shiny bronze-colored hair” that falls “in ringlets past her shoulders.” Is it alright to be jealous of a two-week old?

Color: 10.0
All the beauty of her daddy’s bronze, but more highlights and dimension. A-plus for you! Watch out, Suri Cruise. And not only because Renesmee will eat you.
Style: 10.5
She’s got waist-length princess hair and she’s only eight days old and it’s perfectly curled without a hint of frizz and it’s not fair!

10 thoughts on “You Haired it Here First

  1. Maybe it’s like that thing where dogs and their owners look alike . . .

    That is hysterical, kudos to the writer of this article.

  2. His hair is all tiny because of other movies he had to do. Also, both this and the first part were filmed in a 9-month period, so his hair was probably different lengths at different times. They did what they could with it.

    I remember in BD Part 1 when we first see Edward, he has this crappy little hair flippy thing in the front that makes him look like Tin-Tin, but then we see him later with longer, fluffier hair. It just matters at what time they filmed what scene.

  3. Edward: Bella, heel!
    Edward: No, Bella! Stop playing with the nasty werewolf and come here! Now!
    Bella&Jacob: Grrr…

  4. Despite the minuscule glimpse AT the second film, the whole “in-depth” hair analysis made up for it.That was really silly and quite creative. What makes it even more humorous, is that it’s all true! 😀

  5. Loved this article! It had lots of information but was uber long and anoying. It was humorous AND informative.

    It was Humorative or Informorous.

    Any way loved the article. If people haven’t read read it I think they should. Even if the video was 14 seconds long. 🙁

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