Sundays just got a whole lot louder. It’s televised football time again, and your friends/family/boyfriendish-figures are glued to their screens. Yeah, I don’t get it, either. But rather than throwing up your hands and telling your loved ones you’ll just figure out how to relate to them again come February, why not make the pigskin work for you? We present: The Indoor Kid’s Guide to Football Season.
1. Learn When To Cheer
The easiest way to feel like you belong at a football-viewing session is to know when to stand and cheer and when to shout obscenities at the TV. Even if you find the game unbearably dull and/or confusing, you can at least pay attention as one of the teams is nearing the end of the field. Challenge yourself to see if you can anticipate when everyone else is going to stand up and fist pump. Ten points for you!
2. Arbitrarily Choose an Allegiance
You can go two ways with this: pick the team your friends are rooting for and capitalize on the camaraderie of having been to battle together, or root for the other team just to get attention. Either way, the game will be way more fun if you’re emotionally invested in an outcome. Maybe buy a jersey for the next one; it’ll help sell the whole “fan” thing.
3. Know One Obscure Rule
Whip out your rule once a game. You can be all like, “Oh, that wasn’t intentional grounding; the QB was outside the tackle box!” Your fellow audience members might agree with you, which would make you appear knowledgeable. They might try to argue with you, in which case you can be like, “Do you know who won the Tony this year for Best Supporting Actress In A Musical? Didn’t think so.” Or they just won’t say anything . . . because the rule you chose was so obscure even sports fans don’t know it.
4. Research The Characters’ Backstories
Even if you don’t get the intrinsic importance of winning a sports game, any Indoor Kid can appreciate a good story. Do a little Googling before the game and see if you can pin down some key players and characteristics. It’s easier to get upset about a fumble when you’re viewing it as a peripety in Numbered Jersey’s journey.
5. Understand that Multitasking Is Your Friend
What you do with your iPhone is your business. Use football-viewing parties as a time to answer emails, catch up on current events, or watch season five of Breaking Bad without sound. You can still say you socialized by virtue of having been physically in a place with people.
Guacamole will most likely be both present and delicious. When in doubt, eat more of it. I can’t remember a time I regretted eating another chipful of avocado goodness. It’s the healthy kind of fat! Just like those … linebackers?
What other Indoor Kid conundrums do you need advice on? Let us know in the comments!
Photos: Jets-Eagles Game, September 2009 – 36 by Ed Yourdon; Tim Tebow after the Florida Gators beat the Oklahoma Sonners to win the 2009 BCS Championship by OPENSports.com; Guacamole by Jon Sullivan.