It’s that time of the year again: a time when Nestle’s advertisers get the best of us. Happy Halloween! Do you even know what you’re celebrating? Yeah, me neither. Something about a Pagan ritual that I’m not going to look up because it’s neither here nor there. All I know is we’re supposed to indulge in the emotion of “scared.” Welp, here’s what’s truly “scary” about Halloween.
1. Kids knocking on strangers’ doors
Whose idea was this??? Even if kids have parents with them, it seems less-than-advisable. Trick-or-treating seems like a relic of a more trusting time. It’d be much more efficient to just drop your kids at Costco and tell them to go hunt for free samples. Done.
2. The anxiety of whether people will “get” your costume
You guys, I put so much effort into my Khaleesi (from HBO’s Game of Thrones) costume last year. I ordered a long white-blond wig online. I had a toy dragon tied to my shoulder. And yet, despite hanging out with a dorky, cultured crowd, very few people knew who I was. The wasted money, diminished pride, and annoyance at having to repeatedly pull up Daenerys pix on my iPhone made me incredibly resentful about having to come up with another original idea this year. If you’re going the TV character route, I highly recommend second season and up.
3. Hard-to-see-out-of masks
Anyone who’s ever blindly purchased her costume from a Halloween Superstore knows how it’ll end: blindly. Those latex nightmares are terrifying for everyone involved. If it’s not scary enough that you’re dressed like a monster, there’s also the distinct possibility that you will walk into a wall or the path of a car or (if the topography is right) off a cliff. And those around you run the risk of stepped-upon toes and spilled-upon shirts. Can we just not?
4. The fear that your topical costume will be overdone
If you’re planning on being a “binder full of women,” Gangnam Style, or Honey Boo Boo this year, this fear is founded. There’s nothing worse than being outdone by someone else at the party wearing the same joke as you. Maybe comb through January’s news to ensure originality. Although then you run the risk of people not “getting” it; depends what you’re more afraid of.
5. How much candy you’re going to eat
Ugh. Candy is engineered so you don’t know you’re going to have a bellyache, and then you eat so much that cramping is inevitable. And then you continue eating because there is more in the bag/within arms’ reach. The contraction of Type II Diabetes is an actual fear on Halloween.
6.The number of nights in a row you’re expected to celebrate
Halloween proper is on a Wednesday, you guys. But we can’t not celebrate over the weekend—that’s what weekends are for. Then all the local businesses will have Halloween specials on Monday and Tuesday, so it’s looking like six possible nights of different costumes (thanks, Facebook), increased sugar intake, and distraction from real-life responsibilities. My biggest fear this Halloween? Thursday morning.
What else do you find to be truly scary about Halloween? Let us know in the comments!
Photos: “trick or treat” by Colleen McMahon; “Game of Thrones fans at Wondercon 2012 dressed as Daenerys and Khal Drogo” by pop culture geek (Doug Kline); “Alexander with another Halloween mask” by Wesley Fryer; “Big Bird taking a break?” by Evelyn Giggles; “Halloween candy” by Rochelle Hartmann; marathon by Chris Brown.