A Contract For My Future Boyfriend

For some of us, marriage is a long way off. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have demands when it comes to entering into a relationship. In the interest of protecting my own sanity the way some people protect their fortunes with a pre-nup, here’s a contract for my future boyfriend.

I. “The Relationship” – Definition

We will define the Relationship (a process hereafter referred to as “DTR”) within three (3) weeks time. Or longer if I’m still feeling ambivalent. But you’ll have asked me about it. The Relationship, once labeled as such, will be comprised of romantic exclusivity between You and Me, weekly Dates (Section III), daily communication (Section II), and a mutual desire to ensure the other person’s happiness. Should any of these components fail to exist, both parties agree to initiate the Breakup Process (Section VI) in a timely manner.

II. Text Etiquette

Daily communication (or if this is an impossibility due to work schedule, the communication thereof) is a necessary component to the wellbeing of the Relationship. With specific regard to texting, if we’re in the middle of a volley, You will respond in a timely manner and/or inform Me if You’re too busy to talk. I’m not a mind reader, and if I were, my mind would read Yours as having taken offense to whatever I said last.

IIa. “Haha”

The use of the term “haha” in the absence of a joke shall not be considered adequate communication.

IIb. Phone calls

I’m “eh” about talking on the phone. Phone calls are to be considered optional, unless we need to talk about something serious.

III. Dates

You and I are to travel to at least one (1) restaurant, movie theater, theater, or concert a week and/or plan ahead to spend a night in for the sole purpose of appreciating each other’s company. Me watching You play video games shall not be considered to have fulfilled the terms of this contract, unless said video game is “Mario Kart,” and I get to be “Princess Peach.” You and I will plan said Date at least two days in advance, so that neither party is left wondering if he/she should leave a night open that weekend.

In the event that one or both of us is too busy to participate in a Date that week, the busy person will express remorse and notify the other with sufficient time to make alternate arrangements with his/her friends. Each of us has a social life, too, you know.

IIIa. Paying

Both parties will contribute to paying for said Dates. However, it will be made clear which of us will be paying for that meal prior to the ordering of food so as to alleviate anxiety surrounding whether or not I can afford the amount that We’re ordering at this restaurant that was totally Your idea.

IV. Interaction With Each Other’s Loved Ones

It is imperative that our Loved Ones approve of The Relationship. Upon interaction with each other’s friends, family, and coworkers, You and I agree to be as courteous and charming as we are in private.  During such times, use of smart phone will be kept to a minimum, and You will seem like You want to be there, even if a sports game is airing on television concurrently. Public displays of affection will be kept at an appropriate level, with specific attention paid to how irritated my roommate is getting.

V. Physical Affection

Kisses and spooning are mandatory aspects of The Relationship. Beyond that, this contract leaves Physical Affection to the discretion of both parties, as this contract chooses to play coy.

VI. Breakup Process

In the event that one party would like to exit The Relationship, he/she shall initiate the Breakup Process in a transparent manner. There will be no slow fizzle-out laden with excuses for why You and I can’t see each other, and neither party shall pick fights for the sake of having something concrete to walk away from. The Breakup Process shall consist of one (1) or more discussions about feelings, with a healthy attempt at compromise in the event that The Relationship is still salvageable. Facebook shall not play a part in the Breakup Process. Should The Relationship end, both parties agree not to trash-talk the other as “crazy” or “a jerk,” unless You turn out to be a real jerk, in which case, it shall be considered a civic duty.

VII. Exceptions

If I really, really like You, exceptions can be made for any part of this entire contract. Ugh.

Do you agree with these terms? What would you include in a contract for your future boyfriend or girlfriend? Let us know in the comments!

Photo: Overly Attached Couple via knowyourmeme.com.

49 thoughts on “A Contract For My Future Boyfriend

  1. One section I would add is “You shall give me space when I ask for it.” Some of us (aka introverts) feel drained from interacting with people, and we need to breathe. Also, a clause that tells them not to interrupt me while I’m writing. Otherwise they will be pelted with crumpled notebook paper.

  2. Haha… wow. I’ve been decided for a while now that he better know how to edit 🙂 Might as well have a useful husband, no?

  3. I agree wholeheartedly. I just got out of a relationship where section 6 was dragged out indefinitely by my boyfriend. Thus, I feel emphasis on NOT dragging out said section should be applied.

  4. Oh and I most definitely agree to pelting said person with notebook paper should they interrupt the sacred writing process

  5. There should be a clause about “neediness/clingy-ness.” I can’t hang out and/or talk solely to You. I need my own separate social life. I hereby invoke a specified time/day/night for both parties to hold weekly without each other, but with each other’s friends. I will have “Girl’s Night” with my friends and You will have “Boy’s Night” with yours. If either party has…shall we say, live action X-rated “fun,” on deemed Nights, that is cause for the contract to be terminated immediately unless you have a friggin’ good excuse.

    Also, it needs to be stated: If You are at my residence, control of the television remote goes to Me and vice versa. If You are in my car and I’m driving, control of music goes to Me. If I am in Your car and You are driving….control of music still goes to Me. Sorry, but you have bad musical taste.

  6. I loved that! But, actually, I’d be Bowser…
    I’ll totally use it against my next boyfriend though, whether he thinks I’m crazy and freaky or not. 😀

  7. I really like this but I like watching people play videogames and I do, on occasion, need a week or so to myself, so I’d edit the Dates section to a more personally appropiate 2 dates a month.

  8. A contract for a relationship?

    It’s like you’re covering yourself in case you need to sue somebody. In my opinion, while most of the ideas you presented are important things, a contract would be a horrible way to start a relationship…

  9. Everything except for “spooning”. Otherwise, I will totally print this out and give it to my boyfriend! (Now I just need to get one…)

    • are you kidding? spooning is one of my favorite things in the world! cuddling is a must. In any of my relationships. (romantic or not lol)

  10. I like the notebook paper pelting. My bf doesn’t have a phone, so that’s a bit of a bummer. Also, we both love video games! (Yes I know I’m some what of a minority here *sigh*)

  11. I agree with all, except taking turns to pay for dates… I’m old-fashioned, so I believe the man should be a gentleman and pay. Sorry, it’s just the way I was raised.

  12. Lol. This is cute. Although the one thing I didn’t see was “If you have a problem with something I did/said/wore/ate/laughed at, please tell me instead of trying to get me to read your mind. I’d rather work it out than have a month of misunderstandings.”

  13. What if he’s in the military and on another continent, deeming the majority of this contract impossible? Just curious. 🙂

    • I think that would be a valid exception, since he’s doing an important job. Besides, it does have an exception if work prevents le dates.

    • A young lady tried to hand me a contract once, despite the fact that I always tried to be a perfect gentleman. I made sure that she never saw or heard from me again.

  14. i totally agree with almost everything here! and if you don’t like a section, just edit that part out. Copy and Paste, people, Copy and Paste.

  15. The point of this contract, in the end is to see who really likes you. Nobody who is eh-ish about you will end up with you after this.

  16. I’d like to add one as well:

    I’m allowed to hang out with my friends just as much as you are yours. You failing to find something to do with them is not my problem. If you get on my case about it, I will have the right to make comments and ignore your texts for the next 30 minutes. I need my “girl time” just like you need your “Call of Duty” time.

  17. I think this is a very clever idea. I wouldn’t take it too seriously, seeing as a relationship ultimately can’t be planned out on paper. There would be too many additions and exceptions. I do feel, however, that this is a cute idea to let potential partners know what you would like out of your relationship. But in all seriousness, shoving a legal document in the face of your potential partner might not come across as the best vibe. If you do consider presenting someone with this, make sure it’s more cute and fun to read than intimidating and uncomfortable. Very clever, but use with caution.

  18. The minute any girl gives me a contract like that am off dont give this to any normal thinking guy like me we will run like hell!

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