Thanksgiving Break Goals You’re Just Not Going To Accomplish

Thanksgiving break arrives at a perfect time of year. It’s a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle of your overeager autumn and an opportunity to redeem yourself for whatever you’ve been neglecting. It’s a time of great possibility. But with great possibility comes the more likely possibility of great disappointment. The fact is: you’re not even getting a week off. You take that first night off to rest, and before you know it, you’ve spent more time eating egg-white omelets with your mom than you did doing anything else. Here are some Thanksgiving break goals you’re just not going to accomplish.

“I will start reviewing this semester’s material to prepare for December finals.”

A noble thought, wasn’t it? You might even get as far as taking the books out of your bag, but then you’ll remember all the friends and family you don’t regularly have time to hang out with. In ten years, what will be more important: the outdated World Civ facts you memorized, or the relationships you spent your formative years cultivating? Besides, you’ll still have access to Red Bull and self-hatred come December.

“I will have meaningful catch-up sessions with my non-favorite friends.”

Meaningful conversations take time to get into, and your Thanksgiving break scheduling did not allow for such buffer hours. In fact, one-on-one plans are at a premium. Your friends should consider themselves lucky they weren’t double-booked with someone they don’t know; they could’ve easily been relegated to your catchall Liz and Dick viewing party.

“I will learn how to cook something relevant for Thanksgiving dinner.”

You dream of impressing your relatives with your newfound love for following instructions, but let’s be honest, the thought of shopping for ingredients at a grocery store swarming with parents’ friends gives you the heeby-jeebies. Plus, cooking is a relic of a prior generation that didn’t have access to microwaves and instant noodles so ugh.

“I will remember to ask Uncle Herb a question about himself.”

At every Thanksgiving dinner, there’s that one relative who wants to engage you, but you quickly run out of things to update him on. At a certain point, it would seem appropriate to ask him a question about himself, but for some reason, you have a block against that. I think the reason is called not actually caring. So instead, you’ll find a way to drag your brother into Herb’s general vicinity, a perfect diversion tactic as you leave to “help in the kitchen.”

“I will not oversleep the earliest Broadway performances of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”

There’s nothing worse than waking up an hour into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and finding out you missed all the Broadway performances. Absolutely nothing worse. But Wednesday night of Thanksgiving is so fun that it makes your alarm clock inexplicably malfunction in a way that had nothing at all to do with you pressing the snooze button in your sleep. Once again, you’ll have to settle for blow-up Snoopy and the moving-platform-singer brigade. Curses!

“I will listen to other people’s “what I’m thankful for”s instead of frantically trying to come up with something clever.”

I’d be thankful for Cousin Jackie not stealing my one-liners, but short of that, I suppose in an ideal world you’d give your relatives the actual attention they think you’re giving them. It’s pretty embarrassing to repeat someone else’s topical yet poignant reference. But this is not an ideal world, and Jackie recently announced she’s pregnant, so you’re going to prepare a list of hilarious backups just in case.

“I will rid my parents’ house of excess childhood artifacts.”

As much as your mom wants to believe that this year you’ll sincerely take the time to get into that collection of third-grade dioramas, when it comes down to it, you really need to study for finals and have meaningful catch-up sessions with friends. Winter break, Mom, we swear!

What other Thanksgiving Break goals did you make? Do you anticipate being able to fulfill them? Let us know in the comments!

Photos: “Studying for Finals” by Ewen; “Stuffing” by Eric F Savage; “Abby Cadabby Balloon” by Ben + Sam; “School Project 2” by Beth Knittle

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