True best friends are hard to come by, so when you find yourself lucky enough to have one, you’re loathe to say anything that might jeopardize that relationship. But real life isn’t a cursive-lettered birthday card, and sometimes you feel like it’d be totally worth it to get a few things off your chest. Just once, and maybe she’ll silently resent you forever, but at least she’ll change her ways.
Ugh, maybe not. Here are some things you’d never say to your best friend.
That’s not “quirky vintage,” that’s “out of style.”
Your friend has recently gotten into shopping at thrift stores, and she’s amazed at all the cheap “finds” she’d been missing out on all these years. However, what she thinks is totally Zooey Deschanel actually looks like something out of a 1960s “What Not To Wear” magazine spread. Despite the urge to tell her that sometimes one person’s trash is, well, just trash, we know you’re just going to smile and not post the pictures you guys take that day.
Just checking what your stance is on me dating your ex.
You and your best friend probably have a lot in common, so chances are you have the same values when it comes to boyfriends. And maybe things didn’t work out with your bff and her ex, but you’re like . . . wait, let me try! Just because you are done eating the sandwich doesn’t mean you have to throw the whole thing out! There are so few delicious tuna sandwiches in this world. But your friend might become annoyed that you’re implying she once dated a fish (or she’ll insist that you’ll just get mercury poisoning), so it’s probably best to not go there.
You’re becoming more and more like your mother.
Your bestie is always complaining about how her mom doesn’t pay attention when they talk on the phone. And frequently sends good food back at restaurants. And tends to repeat stories. And is paranoid. And complains too much. Well, if you ever say anything to the effect of, “You’re starting to do that, too,” your bestie will never stop re-telling the story about the time you were totally wrong, out of line, and in cahoots with her mother.
If I were you, I wouldn’t have gone
out in public with that pimple.
If your best friend whines that OF COURSE she broke out on the day of graduation, you’re under no circumstances allowed to acknowledge that yeah, her face looks like those Mars Rover pix. Instead, you’re to tell her you wouldn’t have noticed had she not pointed it out, thereby bolstering her self-esteem so others will think their eyes are playing tricks on them.
When we sing in the car,
I’m acutely aware of your lack of rhythm.
This is a rough one because car-singing by definition is not meant to be analyzed. But when your best friend perpetually rushes the Miley, it can be irksome to the point of “Maybe we should listen to a Podcast.” If you’ve got a road trip coming up, consider making a playlist of all rap music to even the playing field.
It’s a little bit your fault.
How dare you for even thinking this?! It’s so not her fault. You must not have been listening when she told you the story over the phone.
What else do you know better than to say to your best friend? Let us know in the comments!
Photos: “Clash of Cultures In Venice” by Frank Kovalchek; “Tuna melt” by William J Sisti; “Like mother like daughter” by Lollyknit; Mars by NASA – Public Domain; “Dance” by Roxanne Ready; “Car Accident” by Meddy Garnet