Some days are better than other days, and days when people pay attention to you are the best days of all. It’s quite amusing to wake up on the morning of your birthday, sign online, and smile at the people who want to wish you well that day. It’s less amusing when there are so many randos that it takes up your entire day just trying to remember how you know these people. Here’s who you can expect to check in.
Maybe you met in pre-school, maybe first session of overnight camp 2002 — whatever the circumstances, you became friends simply because this person happened to be around. Now that you’ve gone your separate ways physically, you’d prefer the friendship to end there. You have zero new things to talk about. You’ve been trying very hard to shake this person, but The Burr remains a part of your life through those two little words once a year. Stuck again.
The One Who At Least Owed You A Text
Not all Facebook posts indicate caring: in fact, sometimes a HBD is really sending you a signal that your friend doesn’t actually want to talk to you or reach out for any form of extended communication. Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you sad on your birthday. You don’t have to click “like.”
That Dude You Met At A Marginal Friend’s Party
There’s always that dude that you talked to for a long time at a party because you didn’t know anyone else there, and when it came time to leave, you didn’t really want him to call you, so you told him to friend you on Facebook. He then got way into commenting on how much he likes that pic of you and your friend Abby and how you should prob come to this concert with him if you are listening to Ben Harper on Spotify and stuff. And then when you didn’t respond, he got the hint and stopped. Or so you thought. Because every year on your birthday, he HAS to say something. Just to remind you that he still has access to you.
Your Buddy’s Mom
Moms love saying happy birthday on Facebook. It must be a hormonal thing. It’s like you give birth and have an immediate need to celebrate everyone who has ever been on either end of a birth.
The Person Who Lives For Wall Birthday Posts
Now that Facebook is kind enough to alert us every time our friends interact with anyone, we’re able to better track the people who are being selective about the amount of “Happy Birthday, [insert name here]”‘s they’re giving out… and those who are HBD’ing like it’s their job. It’s the law of diminishing returns — the more you congratulate people on being born, the less joy it brings to people when you say it.
I would like to continue receiving birthday wall posts. In fact, a large portion of my self-worth is comprised of how many well wishes I receive. Please don’t stop because I wrote a snarky article!
What other categories of people wrote on your wall this year? Let us know in the comments!