6 Simple Ways To Drive Your Parents Insane

The parent-child relationship is adorably fraught with complexity. No matter how well you’re raised or how much you love your caretakers, there are times when you drive them absolutely insane. If you’re interested in doing so deliberately, read on!

Only wash the top of the dishes

You can’t actively not do chores; that feels bratty. But you CAN lash out by doing them poorly. If you only wash the dishes partially, leaving the bottoms to crust over with residual Bernaise sauce or whatever, you’ll be able to leave the kitchen and do your thing without them noticing. When they finally take the dishes out a few days later, they’re going to be all, “[Insert First and Middle Name Here]! Get back here!”

Befriend them on Facebook, then privacy settings them like whoa

The only reason your parents beFriended you was to keep tabs on your social life, specifically the stuff you get awkward telling them about in person. So if you limit the amount of info they’re able to access, they’re gonna be able to tell. But if you’re lucky, they’ll blame their internet provider, whose fault it must be that they can’t click on photos others have tagged of you.

Call only to say how stressed out and sad you are, but forget to call back when you’re happy

Your parents will get all worked up over how you think you didn’t make the spring musical. They might go so far as to confer with each other as to if they should call the choir director and get involved. But then a few hours later, when you find out you DID make it and are running around giddily singingย Oliver!, make sure you don’t call back. Your parents will have wasted their entire day worrying about your mental health, only to receive an “Oh, that? I’m over it!”

Use their HBOGo to watch full seasons of TV shows before they do, then ruin the endings

Your parents will have heard about popular shows approximately six months after you first hear about them. This gives you ample time to watch, digest, and opine on any serialized show on the server. You, too, can be as obnoxious to your parents as the girls on Girls are to theirs.

Tell them youโ€™re going to go do work on a sustainable farm

Most parents want to think they want their kids to help save the environment, but deep down, they know the environment is already messed up, and they’d rather their kids get good grades/make money/meet a nice [insert religion here] girl/boy and start popping out more population-increasing babies. But they won’t be able to say anything without seeming like jerks!

Move to LA

… or any big city without having a job lined up. Some parents will be supportive at first, but as they realize how allowing you to pursue your dreams has invariably drained their “dream retirement” account, they’re going to start up with the, “Maybe you should come home” business. And when you reply that LA is now “home” (but continually insinuate how hungry you’d be without their support), they’ll descend into utter madness. Good work!

What other ways do you drive your parents insane? Let us know in the comments!

Photos: “Dinner Plate Finished” by Barry Walker; “On the phone.” by Buzz Farmers; “Bee Hive Cover at Garden Gate” by Zoe Johnson; Los Angeles County Museum by Sarah Ackerman

16 thoughts on “6 Simple Ways To Drive Your Parents Insane

  1. I can see you meant this to be funny (at least I hope you did), but really…on a writing website? And it’s kind of…rude…inconsiderate…I could think of a few more words. Is this really how teenagers should think? Just thoughts. Creative post, I suppose.


  3. I don’t have to do any of these and my parents are always mad at me. Yesterday, I said “I can’t wait to go to college!” and my Mom said “Really? I don’t think you’re going to like it. You haven’t liked school much (even though I’m an A+ student, second in my class) and you’re generally a miserable, unhappy person. Everyone thinks so.”
    so I said “What?” and my Mom replied “Me, Your Dad, your cousin (who lives with us) your brother, and all your friends think that you’re very unhappy.” She then proceeded to punish me, canceling my private bass lessons, telling me that I can no longer have friends over, only go to their houses IF i can get a ride both ways, I will have to pay for the remainder of my Chamber orchestra field trip, and she is not going to help me with going to college.
    Oh, the parent-child relationship is so ADORABLY fraught with complexity. FML

  4. On the HBO one- my mom always finds the good shows before I do. My mom and my Grandma were watching Game of Thrones before I knew the show and the books existed.

  5. Wow Figment bad reaction on this…I thought they were hilarious. ๐Ÿ™‚ I do agree, I would never do any of these to my parents; one, I love and like them very much (an odd thing for a teenage girl to say, but true nonetheless), and two, they would kill me for even reading these and considering it. Haha but Figment I feel like you need a good reaction down here! It’s all “wow these are way too mean”..people! It’s not meant to be instructions! It’s meant to be humorous! Duh!
    Anyways, do not be discouraged, my lovely Figment bloggers, whoever you are that write these amazing things! ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. haha, I’ve got the dishes thing DOWN! ๐Ÿ˜€

    No, I really don’t. I do the dishes very well.

    My parents would love this. Haha

  7. When they tell you to clean your room, do so, but stuff all of your dirty clothes into your drawers. and put all of the trash on the kitchen counter.

  8. I am very unhappy so i visited this site my dad throws me kisses ans loves me to much he tell my what to do and so does my mom i pull pranks but i always get caught parents are real mean and hard they dont get children they use to be like that (Children) i would live with one of my best friends and beg her mom to let me stay i consider.

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