Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

I just want to get something out right off the bat! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO GET A GUY TO LIKE YOU! You can just be a super cool freelance writer who occasionally watches just the ending of The Odd Life of Timothy Green and still ends up crying. So, you know, good crazy.

Anyway tonight’s episode starts with Matt running in the woods away from those pesky newly turned vampires. One grabs him, but Jeremy quickly saves the day with his crossbow.

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You CanFlashback, at the bar Klaus tells Jeremy to start hunting, which Jeremy politely declines. Klaus can’t compel Jeremy (cause he’s a hunter), but he can compel the vampires to chase after Matt, thus giving Jeremy incentive to kill them.

Back in the woods, Jeremy realizes that he and Matt are outnumbered. They plan to run back to the cabin where they’ll be safe from the vampires. Just then another vampire attacks, but Elena snaps its neck. Remember how she and Damon were supposed to have a romantic night?

Well, no such luck, instead we jump to the cabin in the morning where Elena is not pleased that Damon allowed Klaus to kill all of those people to be served as vampire bate for Jeremy.

But it’s too late now, so Damon says Elena should take Matt back home and he and Jeremy will go do some daytime killing. There was a lot of name-calling this episode which often felt like someone wrote the script then someone else came in and just added insults after every line. However, Damon did call Matt the “least valuable player,” which sorry, but he totally is (He can take solace in the fact that he isn’t entirely morally corrupt like basically every other character in this show.)

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Speaking of LVP, there was a lot of talk of teams this episode. When we first see Stefan he’s shirtless wearing a towel around his neck. Um, I thought that was Damon’s job. I guess it’s the job of whoever is alone. Rebekah’s rolling on his bed, reading his diary (she should really just watch the show, he reads it out loud a bunch). She wants to get the headstone Professor Shane has so that their “team” (ok so basically everyone looking for the cure separately is now on a team—but we’ll see how that changes) can have the advantage.

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Now I’m going to really have to start caring about this Shane and Bonnie storyline. Bonnie complains that she can’t control her magic and Shane helps her calm down. However,  Prof Shane (worst Professor ever/super fixated on his dead family) is quickly arrested in this scene by the Sheriff and the Mayor (I refuse to change this from the passive voice. Learn from my mistake guys!)

Damon and Jeremy go back to the bar in order to find the vampires, but instead they encounter a trail of blood and a bunch of dead vampires. This is the first time I wondered, “Why does the FCC allow this show to have so much gore.” Anyway, the vampires didn’t go crazy and kill each other, Kol killed them. Kol is one of the only vampires on team “lets-not-find-the-cure-cause-Silas-is-going-to-end-the-world” (I smell a season finale episode!). He threatens to pull off Jeremy’s arms, but Damon jumps in and tells Jeremy to run away (something Jeremy does a lot this episode).

Rebekah and Stefan do some sleuthing in Professor Shane’s office, but duh, the headstone/headstone is obviously not going to be there (no wait, of course it is). Rebekah gives Stefan some herb and tells him to remember how to have fun. We all know where this is headed!

At the police station, Bonnie’s dad basically calls her weak-minded, saying that Professor Shane has been preying on her. Which he 110% has been! Bonnie goes into the interrogation room with the Sheriff and Professor Shane (which, you know, is definitely allowed) and tries to be all buddy buddy with Shane. And then he’s all “Yeah no, I basically did it.” OOOPPPS! Maybe you are a little weak-minded, Bonnie.

Jeremy tells Elena that Kol took Damon and she goes to Klaus to get help. Klaus agrees to call Kol and get him to release Damon. He also tells Kol not to touch Jeremy. So naturally, Kol compels Damon to hurt Jeremy instead. CAN WE NOT FIND WAYS AROUND THESE LOOPHOOLS GUYS? You’ve been alive for thousands of years, can’t you just figure out to be like “Don’t do anything that would in any way harm the person who I need not to be harmed, either you yourself or getting someone else to do it.” Kol also tells Damon that he will forgot about being compelled instantly, but that goes away super quickly. At this point I thought “How has it only been 26 minutes? How am I gonna get this recap in under my word count?” But we soldier on.

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Jeremy asks Elena why she still trusts Damon (like for real, no one likes that guy on this show besides Elena).

Rebekah and Stefan have an exchange that I don’t feel comfortable talking about on this YA website. Just read my first statement. Be who you’re going to be. Then some guy goes into Professor Shane’s office and finds the headstone instantly (really Stefan and Rebekah, there’s a reason you’re the worst team, you don’t know how to tear apart an office!), but Rebekah grabs him.

Back at the police station, Bonnie goes into the interrogation room and turns off the video camera (super smart). She’s furious at Professor Shane for killing all of those people, but Shane says it doesn’t matter because Silas will bring all of them back. Bonnie’s about to go when Shane gives her the ultimate incentive to stay: He asks if she wants to know what happened to Grams.

Damon goes to see Jeremy at the Grill with Elena, under the guise that he is going to apologize. As soon as he sees Jeremy his eyes get all veiny and he goes after him. Oh shoot, he tells Elena, “I think Kol compelled me to kill Jeremy.”

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Jeremy runs back to the storage room and looks at a vent cover. I fully thought that he was going to do some sweet shield/reflection thing with the cover, but he just runs away (kind of lame, right?)

Rebekah and Stefan are interrogating the guy they caught, but he doesn’t cooperate. In fact, he bites off his tongue and stabs himself to keep from talking. Again, why are they allowed to show this stuff on TV? Back in my day… JK I don’t have time. Oh also in this scene Elena calls Stefan to ask if he can help stop Damon, but Stefan doesn’t say anything. BURN!

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Meanwhile, Professor Shane starts telling Bonnie that it’s basically her fault that Grams is being tortured in the afterlife. Now here I actually like what they did with Bonnie. She gets so upset that she starts to torture Shane, to the point that her dad comes in and asks her to stop. But she can’t stop until Shane tells her to calm down. Man, this is a messed up relationship, but it’s also incredibly compelling. Professor Shane is entirely using Bonnie and not helping her, but yet he’s the only one that can stop her from going super evil. But also he might want her to go super evil. It’s great, but also I hope in the end they make Bonnie a super empowered witch who tells Professor Shane what is what.

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Jeremy has escaped to the caves and we get a hilarious scene where Damon is on a killer rampage but also calmly telling Jeremy that he needs to get away quickly so he doesn’t kill him. Eventually Jeremy does trick Damon by cutting himself then shooting Damon when he thinks he has the upper hand. Damon tells Jeremy the only way to stop him is to kill him and Jeremy shoots. (Commercial break, but, you know, obviously Damon doesn’t die, Jeremy shot him in the head.)

Damon continues to run after Jeremy, but Elena tries to stop him. She thinks he’s powerful enough to resist the compulsion. But he’s not. Just as you think Jeremy is going to kill Damon, Stefan shows up and breaks his neck. How much has he been wanting to do that.  “You’re welcome,” he tells Elena.

So Stefan’s solution to Damon being compelled to kill Jeremy is to chain Damon up, bleed him so he’s weak, and also not let him see Elena. So, you know, basically his dream.

Elena does go to see Damon, but Stefan says she can’t because Damon will just force her to let him out. And like, I’ve said I was totally over them fighting but I definitely had all the feels when Stefan told Elena “You’ve just never seen me like this, you don’t know what I look like when I’m not in love with you.” SOOOOOO DEVASTATING.

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Then Klaus goes to Jeremy’s door and tells him he wants to protect Jeremy and Jeremy should come with him. Jeremy gives a hard pass. Then I thought the episode was over, but…

Then Stefan goes and has sex with Rebekah. And I thought the episode was over, but …

Vampire Diaries Recap: Catch Me If You Can

Finally Elena tells Jeremy that instead of killing innocent people he should just kill Kol and then all the vampires sired to him will die, Damon’s compulsion will be lifted, that tattoo map will cover his whole body like a super complex Google map. End credits. That brings me to my three points of the night.

  1. We’ve got a weird morality issue on our hands with this idea that Elena has concocted. Presumably, people are innocent who Klaus would kill to turn in to vampires, but people that were once innocent normal human beings but have been turned to vampires by Kol totally deserve to die. Innnnttterreeestting.
  2. So Professor Shane keeps thinking that Silas will bring his dead family back but that seems like it’s pretty obviously not going to work out. The only thing that is annoying is that if they switch it up and it does work out, that seems sort of predictable too. So, writers, what would be the third original option the writers could come up with?
  3. So the random guy who bite off his tongue in Shane’s office was sent by someone else. I.E. there’s a Team X who is also looking for the cure. Therefore, all of our fave vampires are going to have to team up to defeat them.

But seriously, where was Caroline?

Catch up on past Vampire Diaries recaps:

Episode 10: After School Special

Episode 9: O Come All Ye Faithful

Episode 8: We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street

Episode 7: My Brother’s Keeper

Episode 6: We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

Episode 5: The Killer

Episode 4: The Five

Episode 3: The Rager

Episode 2: Memorial

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