Conventional Valentine’s Day is for losers. There are so many more fun things you could be doing with your February 14. What? I’m not jealous; it’s just true. Also, red is for Communists. Here are some awesome ideas for those of us who won’t be eating prix fixe candlelit meals with a romantic partner.
Read the books
You know all those books you don’t have time to read? You totally DO have time on February 14! Go ahead: Finish the third installment of The Hunger Games. Katniss doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day! (What, you don’t actually WANT to finish the third one? Yeah, me neither.)
Clean trash off the side of the road
Someone needs to do it. Might as well make yourself useful. If you’re going to choose to be self-pitying, let’s take it up a notch with a pitiable activity to match.
Spend time with a European pine marten
European pine martens are solitary animals, meaning they only attach themselves to others when it’s time to mate. Go find one and bond over how you’ve both figured out an enlightened, empowering way of life. Also, doesn’t it look like it would be fun to pet?
Take the money you would’ve used on a present
and buy yourself this Furby
A Furby can fulfill your desire to be needed. It won’t stop loving you even if you chuck it against the wall. (You would not be allowed to do this to a significant other, no matter how much it was yammering at feeding time.)
Make use of that doomsday bunker,
test out those MREs
Why let your Mayan apocalypse bunker go to waste? This Valentine’s Day, turn it into a sexy secret lair that you can have all to yourself. Treat yourself to some freeze-dried lasagna while listening to some smooth sounds on your handcrank radio.
Go to a hypnotist and tell her to make
you forget today happened
If all else fails and you have a bad Valentine’s Day, there’s always hypnotherapy. Ask your counselor to help you forget the day even happened, or better yet, put a trance on you so you flirt more shamelessly. Just think of it as an investment toward next year’s Valentine situation.
What are some other alternative ways to spend Valentine’s Day? Let us know in the comments!