The city of Rosewood is as realistic as Mystic Falls. However, in place of vampires, werewolves and witches, PLL gives us unparalleled high school drama and little to no homework. Could you imagine trying to solve your best friend’s murder AND search for the evil text message puppeteer AND do a report on the Peloponnesian War?! If your head isn’t already spinning, take a look at what it would be like if the PLL love interests were relocated from the Rosewood universe to reality. Spoiler alert: They don’t adjust well.
He lived in the walls of your high school completely undetected . . . until you discover his secret. No student should ever feel literally “at home” while at school (e.g., you notice he treats the teachers‘ lounge like his own kitchen). So, you put two and two together. You think this is weird, but he has the face of a model, so you don’t really mind it. He is oddly cryptic about everything (his family, his extracurricular activities, his favorite food, his middle name, what time it is), which is fairly frustrating. You just want him to feel comfortable around you. Also, he’s a computer hacker. Naturally, you ask him to get your arch nemesis’ Facebook password, but he starts to ramble about ethics. You roll your eyes and say, “Whatever, you beautiful enigma.” And then he says, “Most of my life, I have felt alone, even when I was with people . . . that was until I met you” (“It’s Alive”). You say, “You’re sweet, but slow your roll. We’re 16! And we’re going to be late to the movie.”
He’s the school weirdo. He has a murky past, and definitely gives off a creepy vibe. You get to know him and realize he’s nice, just a little awkward and intense. You ask him about the rumor going around that something scandalous happened between him and his blind, wicked stepsister, but he refuses to give you any information other than “blackmail.” “Did she catch you playing Assassin’s Creed when you were supposed to be studying or something?” you ask. He shoots you a cold look and then takes off his shirt unprovoked. “Hey man, cool abs, but stop trying to distract me. Gimme the details!” He stares deeply into your eyes and says, “Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done” (“unmAsked”). “I sincerely doubt that,” you respond. “I mean, you did hook up with your sociopath stepsister.”
Uh yikes, he’s your English teacher. He says he’ll leave his job so that he can date you, but you say, “Excuse me? In these trying economic times? You’re an adult. Keep your job and date someone your own age.” Then, his former ex-fiance decides to stalk you. And THEN, you find out he has a son, which normally wouldn’t be scandalous because he’s an adult. But it IS scandalous because he has no idea he has a son. AND THEN! You find out he comes from a super wealthy, old money family who he wants nothing to do with. You tell him, “You’re such a hotbed of drama. The only part of your life that seems under control is your wardrobe. You do dress very well.” And he says, “Life isn’t always romantic. Sometimes, it’s realistic” (“Blonde Leading the Blind”). And you say, “And the reality is that we’re not going to date. Not sure if I’ve made mention of it before, but you’re an adult.”
She starts out as a textbook Helga G. Pataki; she’s incredibly aggressive and mean to you, so initially, you’re not a fan. She truly earns her title as “Enemy No. 1” when she attempts to drown you. But then, you find out she has a repressed, raging crush on you. Beneath that intense, volatile veneer is a very nice, albeit very paranoid person. Somehow, you manage to overlook the Swimfan-ish beginning and give the relationship a shot. You doubt she’ll try to kill you again because she’s too preoccupied with being a nervous wreck. You say, “Let’s get coffee!” but she refuses to go to your favorite coffee shop because she heard the building had an asbestos problem 15 years ago. She says, “The whole point of this is that I’m protecting you, not the other way around” (“Hot Water”). “Fine,” you sigh. “But you can’t keep me from going to the coffee shop on my own, you walking anxiety attack.”
He’s an adorable nerd who loves comic books and action figures. Initially, he’s far and above the sweetest guy at your school. While he can veer off into “doormat” territory, he is such a considerate person. You want pudding? He brings you three varieties. What’s not to love about a kind, geeky, fun-lov—NEVERMIND! Out of nowhere, Lucas goes off the rails. Before you know it, he speaks in ominous riddles, trashes memorials, starts wastebasket fires at school, gambles and takes you on a creepy canoe ride. You text him: “What’s going on? Did you murder someone or something? Ha ha ha ha . . .” but he doesn’t LOL. Three Pudding Varieties Lucas would’ve LOL’d. Wastebasket Fire Lucas responds, “Icebergs turn over. They just roll over and turn up all that buried junk. You don’t want to get too close when that happens” (“Kingdom of the Blind”). You reply, “Is Titanic on cable again?”