Summer isn’t here yet, but it’ll creep up on you like a more delightful Gollum. And then it’s shorts and swimsuits and pool party time. Don’t bug out; there is a quick-and-easy way to obtain the ultimate beach bod. And by “ultimate,” I mean “literal.” Here’s a step-by-step guide to turn yourself into a sandy, summery beach.
You Will Need:
- A cotton t-shirt.
- Cotton shorts.
- Fabric glue.
- Glue that doesn’t irritate your skin.
- Seashells, kelp & starfish.
- Swim cap.
- A kiddie pool.
1. Wear a t-shirt and cotton shorts you don’t mind getting sandy/permanently damaged. Make sure the outfit is soft, because it will be the only comfortable part of the look.
2. Coat the shirt and shorts in fabric glue. Use a wide-brimmed paint brush to ensure an even layer.
3. Cover your arms, legs and face in eyelash glue (if it’s used on your eyelids, it must be uber-sensitive, right?), or any other epidermis-friendly adhesive. Pro-tip: apply a small amount of whatever glue you use on the back of your hand to test whether or not your skin reacts to it.
4. Before the glue dries, roll around in a bunch of sand. Use whatever color sand you want, but don’t be enticed by neon-colored craft sand. Realism is key.
5. To set the sand, coat it with hairspray.
6. Once the hairspray dries, randomly glue a bunch of seashells to yourself. Avoid creating any pattern or design with the shells. The more arbitrary, the more authentic it will look!
7. Glue sand, seashells and an accent starfish (buy one at the store. Don’t take a live one from the beach.) to a swim cap. Put on the swim cap and tuck all of your hair into it.
8. Drape your shoulders with kelp. Typically, kelp reeks, so soak it in soapy tap water and then let it dry. This should do the trick. But if it keeps on stinking, there is a silver lining: you will look AND smell like the beach.
BEACH BODY = ACHIEVED
9. Post-beach body cleanup: Don’t clog your bathtub with sand. Instead, fill a kiddie pool with warm water and sit in it until the glue breaks down and the sand falls off. Then, dump the water and the sand in some rocks or grass.
I must warn you: Once you’ve had the ultimate beach body, you’ll miss it when it is gone.