Dear Miss Maude

Do you have a problem that you need solved? Something you need impartial, brilliant advice to deal with? Look no further! Figment now has its own Agony Aunt: Rachel Maude, author of the Poseur series. Have a question for “Dear Miss Maude”? Email it to dearmissmaude@figment.com. Doesn’t that look like the face of a responsible, sane, not-a-crazy-cat-lady adult who has the answers to all your most burning questions?

 

Dear Miss Maude,

First things first I have to say that your skinny belt over the scarf thing is spectacular!!!

And now for the big stuff. It’s a boy question, so get ready. Actually, a man question………….

There’s this guy that I’ve known since before I was born, and I have liked him ever since I was able to like people! But sadly he moved out of state for several years, but now he is back!! But here’s the thing, a) he is 18 – a legal adult and b) he is engaged. What do I do?

Dear What Do I Do, OMG:

First of all, how crazy-jealous am I you knew this guy before you were born?? I seriously did not know ONE GUY before I was born. I know!!! My parents were all, don’t worry, it’s normal, you’re not ready to date, blah-blah. But, deep down I knew – oh, I knew – other little zygotes were getting their flirt on, and having a FABULOUS TIME while I was forced to just FLOAT there, staring at my finger-nubs like a TOTAL LOSER.

Moving on.

First of all, anytime you like a guy and find yourself tossing the word ‘but’ around like wedding rice, you know you’re in murky territory. In your case, we have THREE buts: the out-of-state büt, the he’s eighteen büt, and the he’s engaged büt.

KUH-LASSIC.

Okay. Since he’s already moved back, let’s focus on the last two, shall we?

Büt #1)  He’s eighteen. Okay, I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m deducing from the number of periods in your ellipses (counting now) you’re, ah! Thirteen. Okay. Any eighteen year-old dude who goes for a thirteen year-old girl is mucho, MUCHO disgusto. Believe me! Now, I’m not saying you can’t crush on way-too-old-4-U guys. When I was thirteen, I had a serious crush on Brad Pitt — basically the Zac Efron of his day. I even went so far as to name our future children (Plum, Olive, and Harry – get it??!?). Now, it’s one thing to worship him from a distance, but imagine if he went so far as to return those feelings?

We’d all have THIS to contend with:

13 year-old Miss Maude + 29 year-old Brad Pitt = Love in the Age of Diarrhea

Okay??? NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT THAT.

Büt #2)  He’s engaged. Girl! Do not even think about this guy, okay? I know, I know. “He’s so perfect for you it hurts.” WHATEVS. There are plenty, PUH-LENTY of other fish in the pond. And one day you will meet one, fall crazy-in-love, get married and have mutant half-fish-half-human babies together. And when they grow up, you know what’ll happen? They’ll long for love, too! And you know who will love them? No one. Because they’re disgusting freaks of nature.

Telling it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time,
xo
Miss Maude

15 thoughts on “Dear Miss Maude

  1. Haha… well done, Meg! I am humbly out-punned. And Band Geek: your punctuation is restrained and elegant. Frankly, I’m disturbed.

  2. i am laughing… so hard… right now, i can barely type. like, i erased this sentence 5 times.
    it was, hilarious. i love the beginning, how your taking things literally makes it so funny. i can’t stop laughing. and the pic is good, too. 🙂

  3. Miss Maude, you are awesome!

    OMG I DIDNT KNOW YOU COULD LOVE PEOPLE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN EITHER!!! Dang my parents! hahahaha

    your sarcasm is a way of life. I need that way of life. It’s awesome!

    Cio for now,
    Key-limeeeee

    • Hey Larayb,

      We just checked and the email seems to be working okay. Please try again, and if you continue to have trouble with it, please send your question to admin@figment.com and we’ll forward it. Thanks!

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