How to Humblebrag

“I suck at karaoke; my voice is just too smoky and soulful.”

Everyone enjoys letting people know exactly how awesome they are. But you have to be slick about it. Simply screaming your own praises won’t get you many fans. Cloak your awesome in false modesty, on the other hand, and watch your popularity rise.

Really, the best way to learn is to follow our lead, even though we were trying to humblebrag once and we totally crashed and burned. Jay Leno was there and he was all, “Bahaha, FAIL Figment!”

Stop. Did you catch the humblebrag? The story about having messed up was just a veil for the nugget of brag: We know Jay Leno. You are not allowed to call us out for bragging about Jay Leno because we are being self-deprecating and relating a story where we mess up. There-in lies the beauty of the humblebrag. Everyone sees what you’re doing, but there is no way for them to mock you for it. That story wasn’t true, as you might have guessed. We would never stumble mid-humblebrag. The thought is laughable. Alsowedon’tknowJayLenobutwhatever…

You probably get the idea, but just in case:

“I got cut from the cheerleading team. They said I was too pretty.”

“After running my third five-minute mile in a row, I was so gross! Ew, sweat.”
“It’s not like I have any marketable skills. I spend all my time painting and writing poetry.”
“You always have the best clothes! I can never seem to get myself interested in material things like that.”
“I wish I had more time to read. It’s just, my blog has become really profitable and is eating up all of my time.”
“You’re so lucky; you look good in everything. My waist is disproportionately small for my hips.”
“I’m trying to muster up a polite golf clap after losing the Emmy to Jon Hamm.”

9 thoughts on “How to Humblebrag

  1. One humblebrag is complaining how much time you spend writing on figment. like me. I do that a lot. It is bragging for 2 reasons:
    1. You are on figment. Which means you are part of the most awesome group of people ever.
    2. you spend too much time writing. Good thing….

  2. I can’t play the piano while reading the music right off the bat. I can only play songs I’ve memorized–like Moonlight Sonata, or Canon.

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