How to Beat the Heat

You may not feel the effects of summer yet, but you know it’s coming. Your antiperspirant is about to start working overtime. (Unless you live in Hawaii. Lucky.) It’s not you, it’s the sun! Occasionally, the high temperatures can be overwhelming. Prepare for battle against upcoming heat waves with the following ideas:

 

Ditch Your Bed for an Ice Sculpture

Find a local ice sculptor and place an order for an ice bed. Be sure to specify whether or not you want a headboard, footboard, et cetera. Set a tarp underneath the ice bed to contain it when it melts. You will want to cover your new bed with durable towels (flimsy towels from a motel will not work) and you’re ready to hit the icy hay! It will be chilly, sure, but at least you won’t be kept up all night by the oppressive heat. And your bed will look like it belongs to the White Witch, so this is a win/win.

 

Install Misters Inside Your House

The carpet will be ruined, sure. And so will the furniture. You could protect couches, electronics and tables with plastic covers, but that isn’t any way to live! So don’t bother. The mist will be so refreshing. Yes, your parents will be angry because a) the interior of the house will be soaked and b) the water bill will be astronomical, but hey! That’s the price of luxury.

 

Replace Every Meal with Fro-Yo

Get some fro-yo, ice cream, gelato or whatever frozen confection you prefer and serve it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Will you get your daily vitamins and minerals? Hardly. Will your sugar intake reach a record high? Obviously. Will you feel terrible 80% of the day? Yep. But will it keep you cooled down? Only while you’re eating it! Science has yet to prove this, but I predict that if you consume enough of it, your internal organs will literally turn into ice cream and your body temperature will be so low that you stay cool forever. Until any external heat successfully melts your insides, of course.

 

Sneak Into a Meat Locker at a Grocery Store and Take a Nap

This is risky. If you’re caught, you’ll be banned from the grocery store forever. And if you aren’t properly bundled, you’ll catch pneumonia or hypothermia, et cetera. AND! You’ll be around a bunch of dead animals, which will totally haunt your dreams. I suppose this is a last-resort option.

 

Make Like a Pig and Roll in Mud

This is how pigs battle the heat, so why not try it out? I recommend wearing a swimsuit to wallow in the muck. Try to avoid going into an actual pig pen; I’m no zoologist, but I think there could be a chance that the pigs would get territorial. Or adopt you as one of their own. I know a lot about staying cool (obviously), but I don’t know anything about being raised by pigs.

2 thoughts on “How to Beat the Heat

  1. Or just be on a FFA meat judging team and get automatic access into meat lockers…sure after having practiced in there for over three hours you’re bound to not be able to feel you toes or fingers, but it’s better than roasting outside.

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