Juice cleanses are so en vogue, but liquefied fruits and veggies are such an obvious choice. Let’s get adventurous and choose nontraditional cleanse foods. I believe the key to a successful cleanse is to eat only one food item for a month straight, so why not pick a food you’ll enjoy? Warning: Don’t juice the following foods. That’d be crazy.
Eat cheese-flavored snacks like Doritos, Cheez-Its, Cheetos, etc. They’re delicious and you’ll consume a substantial amount of sodium and food coloring. Your insides will be preserved indefinitely by all of the chemicals. Note: Ritz crackers with Cheez-Whiz don’t count.
Kind of like the juice cleanse, but in solid form. A lot of fruit snacks are made with real fruit juice, so you’ll get some of the benefits that you would from a broccoli-grapefruit-spinach juice. Okay, a negligible amount. But rather than devoting time to juicing produce, you can spend 10 seconds snagging a pack of Gushers from the pantry. So convenient!
Think of the variety! Endless choices! How could you ever tire of cereal? You may feel pressured to lean toward healthier cereal options, but this is your cleanse. You do what you feel is right. Let’s call it what it is: “The Reese’s Puffs Cleanse.”
Lookie here, it’s a loophole! The cleanse may call for you to cut out everything from your diet that isn’t pizza, but you can put anything on pizza. As long as the end product is circular and sliceable, you’re adhering to the diet. Craving spaghetti while you’re on the pizza cleanse? Throw some noodles and meatballs on top of a pepperoni ‘za and consider your day saved.
Conversely, no loopholes here. You may be tempted to put the hazelnut chocolate spread on apples or toast, but this cleanse is a Nutella-only situation. Have some spoonfuls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and see instant results! (Read: stomach aches and sugar crashes.)
Someone once told me that too much red meat is very unhealthy. However, the steak cleanse miiiiight help your body adapt. If you’re paranoid, ask your doctor to keep tabs on your arteries and heart health. The benefit of feeling like a dinosaur for a month will outweigh all of the long-term risks.
If you’re going to eat one food item for a month, make sure it is something you won’t start to loathe. No one can resent the adorable bear-shaped cookie that is the Teddy Graham. Stock up on the various TG flavors and smile at every endearing handful.
Use the juice cleanse concept as a jumping-off point. Blend up carrots, kale and gelato. The dairy and the veggies will cancel each other out, so you’ll maintain nutrient equilibrium. Dietitians will deny the validity of the cleanse, but only because they’ll be jealous they didn’t think of it first.