Occasionally, a Facebook friend’s status update will pop up in my Newsfeed, and I’ll wonder why the heck I’m still friends with that person. Sure, it feels slimy to remove a “friend” from your Friends List, but why keep in touch with someone you don’t really know and/or like? Granted, there are exceptions: a networking link, an old childhood friend, a distant and wacky relative, et cetera. Remove the following “friends” from your FB List and feel one million e-pounds lighter!
I Hardly Knew Ye
You may harbor zero ill will toward the person in question, but you barely know her and you doubt your paths will cross ever again. The extent of your “friendship” was the one time you talked while waiting for the diving board at swim camp 6 years ago. But thanks to Facebook, you feel like a voyeur who knows everything about her life. Just unfriend her so you can stop being an unintentional creep.
Does your significant other have an ex? Are you Facebook friends with said ex? Do you spend time poring over their profile? Do you ever wonder if the ex is obsessed with your page? Did you just go through a brutal breakup? Is your ex’s FB page set as your browser homepage? Have you spent hours deciphering your ex’s vague status update? Of course not. Because we humans — by nature — are as cool as cucumbers. And being FB friends with any of the previously mentioned individuals is never problematic. (Note: if you are actually able to maintain healthy FB friendships with exes and exes’ currents and currents’ exes, you keep doing you.)
We all have at least one offensive Facebook friend. Whether he’s racist, sexist, homophobic or all of the above, he gets under your skin with every post. You may ask, “Why not just hide all of his statuses?” But come on. You don’t need that goblin in your life! Just sever that negative, icky tie.
If you have a Facebook friend who floods your message inbox, leaves you daily wall posts, sends you invites to every event he’s attending (even when he’s not the host), Likes all of your photos, comments on all of your statuses and Pokes you BUT you hardly know one another…you might have a FB stalker. He could be an overly-friendly-yet-harmless acquaintance, but proceed with caution. Ya know, because it probably isn’t a coincidence if he shows up in the toothpaste aisle at Target right after you post a check-in. It’s in your best interest to unfriend him. For peace of mind.
Trollin’ With the Punches
There is a special type of person who obtains her daily vitamins and minerals via chastising people on Facebook. You post an adorable cat video? She shames you for not caring about the riots in Turkey. Your friend posts about how full he is after a soup, salad and breadstick feast at Olive Garden? She rips into him for being a glutton while people starve all over the world. She’s a troll who conflates “joy” with “ignorance”. The foolproof response? Disregard and unfriend.
The Facebook friend whose statuses are constant spoilers for every current movie, television show and book. Like, it’s one thing to write about the ending of The Sixth Sense in 2013, but if your FB friend defaces your Newsfeed with a detailed summary of Star Trek Into Darkness the night of its release, he is evil.