Not endorsing sneaking snacks into theatres, nor admitting to ever stuffing my purse full of Twizzlers Nibs, but this is a thing that happens. And if you were to do this, please don’t lug any of the following into the cinema. Because if you’re going to be a theatre criminal, the least you can do is be considerate.
Holy cannoli.Corn Nuts have to be the loudest and smelliest snack available at a gas station. And fellow moviegoers don’t deserve to be subjected to this. While Corn Nuts are delicious, they’re disgusting to everyone not eating them. You’re better off snacking on manure; while fertilizer reeks, it doesn’t make any noise.
Anytime I eat tuna in my apartment, the smell lingers for days. I open the windows, I light candles and I clean. Somehow, the stench resiliently sticks to the carpet and furniture and I give up. Now, imagine what that will do to an enclosed, windowless, upholstered and carpeted theatre. Not only will you assault the olfactory organs of everyone in the movie with you, but future attendees will be unfairly punished as well.
An Entire Tiramisu
Tiramisu is one of the most delicious desserts on the planet, and to smuggle one into a movie and not share is cruel. Put yourself in everyone else’s shoes; you’re enjoying a matinee when some clown shamelessly chows down on tiramisu for two hours. Your Junior Mints suddenly taste like cardboard and you’re racked with envy. To quote The Lottery, “It isn’t fair! It isn’t right!”
Anything Involving a Foreman Grill
If you waltz into a movie theatre with a pile of uncooked meat and a battery-powered George Foreman Grill, you’ve got to reevaluate your life. No one is going to be able to pay attention to the movie because they’ll be too concerned with your backyard barbeque shenanigans.
A Can of Lima Beans
This one is personal. One time, I sat next to a woman who ate an entire container of boiled lima beans during Zero Dark Thirty. The pungent stench, the constant clanging of the fork against the container and the passive-aggressive healthy snacking drove me nuts. Granted, only we individuals sitting on either side of this woman were impacted by her choice. But if your snack gets under even one person’s skin, you’ve made a terrible mistake.
A Hand-Blender’d Smoothie
I don’t care if a hand-blender can fit into your satchel. Don’t bring it to a movie theatre with the intent to blend. Smoothies are delicious, but it’d be way easier to make one beforehand and carry it in with you than to pack a bunch of fruits, fro-yo and ice and make it during the opening credits of the flick. Also, it would be SO noisy and obnoxious. Like, stop it. Just stop it.
Images: Movie Theater: Fernado de Sousa; Tuna: Daniel Case; Tiramisu: Markus; George Foreman Griil: Zeamays; Lima Beans: emily Carlin; Mixer: Tzuhsun Hsu