The Bling Ring Will Be Perfect. It’s Inevitable.

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June 14th will be a beautiful day. It is the day The Bling Ring will land in theaters.  Summer is “action-packed blockbuster” time, but I anticipate The Bling Ring will be the biggest thrill of the season. If you’re skeptical, hear me out.

The Source Material

When I first heard about the Bling Ring/Burglar Bunch in 2009, I couldn’t get enough. A bunch of upper-middle class kids repeatedly robbing various celebrities? And getting away with it for almost a year? And burglarizing some celebs multiple times? If this movie wasn’t based on true events, I’d scoff, “This movie is too absurd! This could never happen!” BUT IT HAPPENED. It really, really happened.

The Book Is Riveting

A few weeks ago, I devoured the modern-day masterpiece that is Nancy Jo Sales’ The Bling Ring: How a Gang of Fame-Obsessed Teens Ripped Off Hollywood and Shocked the World. It is investigative non-fiction at its finest. The book immersed me in the events preceding and following the multiple burglaries, and even more interestingly, profiled the fascinatingly warped people involved. I’m so excited to see Sofia Coppola’s depiction of said circus.

The Reality Show Was a National Treasure

For one glorious season, E! aired the brilliantly bonkers reality show Pretty Wild. Who is the family followed by cameras this time, you ask? Alexis Neiers, her two sisters and mother. And their dogs. And everyone communicates via shrieks, sobs and screams. And the show started taping right when Alexis was arrested. And the infamous Nancy Jo Sales Vanity Fair interview that inspired the movie takes place on the show. Look, if the reality show was that good, the movie HAS to be incredible.

Emma Watson as a Valley Girl Burglar

When I found out Hermione Granger would be playing a drug-addicted, kleptomaniac Valley girl (based on Alexis Neiers), my brain exploded. Emma Watson delivers actual Neiers crazyisms in the trailer, and I have yet to recover.

. . . And Leslie Mann as Her Mother

Leslie Mann is incapable of being unfunny, and she’s a perfect choice for the character based on Andrea Arlington. If the character is anything like Arlington, the entire planet is in for a treat. Because Mann’s comedic timing plus Arlington’s The Secret/quasi-New Age worldview MUST equal cinematic genius.

Sofia Coppola Is Ahmahzing

Photo by Georges Biard

I adored Lost In Translation and Somewhere, so I was stoked when I heard Sofia Coppola’s name was tied to the movie adaptation of my favorite scandal. Her movies are smart and gorgeous and wonderful. The story pacing will be faster than, say, a Lost In Translation, but it’ll should still have the signature feel of a Coppola movie. Oh! And, in typical Sofia C. form, the soundtrack is awesome.

In 50 Years, This Movie Will Be Shown in American History Classes

Our culture’s obsession with celebrity and the associated lifestyle is kinda ridiculous. And the members of the Bling Ring represent the most extreme level of that obsession. Future generations will watch this movie and be like, “Whoa. People were so wrapped up in fame and partying and social media and BURGLING CELEBS. I’m so glad we’ve evolved!” I predict that this will be a very important movie, so don’t miss the train!

Paris Hilton’s House

Photo by Eva Rinaldi

A friend of mine and I got into an argument when we saw the trailer. He insisted Paris Hilton’s house in the movie was actually Paris Hilton’s house. I challenged him and said there was no way it was really her house. We went back and forth, and then solved the fight the way all fights are solved in 2013: Google. Aaaaand I planted my foot firmly in my mouth because Paris Hilton did let Coppola film in her home. (Hilton also makes a cameo.) I cannot wait to see the walls adorned with portraits of Hilton and the sprawling closets on the big screen. A glimpse of her tacky mansion is worth the price of theatre admission alone.

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